Unwatchable.

It should be pretty clear to most of you all that I like movies. I like to watch them, I like to talk about them, and I like to write about them. Usually, even if the movie's bad, I can appreciate something about it--some stinkers have good acting, for example, or some movies are so bad that they're ridiculously entertaining.

But what do you do when a movie is SO bad and SO devoid of anything worthwhile whatsoever? Well...you turn it off.

Which is what I did with The Tree of Life. I just want to say that this is NOT something I normally do. I've struggled through an endless number of 'meh' movies just because there was a *slight* chance of something interesting happening. I knew within 10 minutes of this thing that that just wasn't going to happen. There just wasn't anything worth waiting for.

What's so bad about The Tree of Life, you ask? Everything.

Very soon after popping this DVD in, a word appeared in my mind and started flashing over and over again in pink neon lights.

**PRETENTIOUS. PRETENTIOUS. PRETENTIOUS.**

Oh hai, my name is Terrence Malik, and I'm a pretty well known director. My movies are ART, and if you don't understand them, you just don't appreciate ART. Now look at this 4 minute-long shot of lava coming out of a volcano.

To say that there is a story to this movie is beyond a stretch. In the 40 minutes that I suffered through this turd, this is what was clearly communicated: Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain are a married couple raising children in what looked like the late 60's or early 70's. One of their children dies, and they're devastated. We don't know HOW the child died--we just see the mother character open a letter and start sobbing. Keep in mind there's VERY minimal dialogue in all of this. I guess spoken-word is a little too mainstream? Most of the speaking is done in the narration, which skips between a female and a male voice. Had I not had the movie on subtitles, I wouldn't have known that [MOM'S VOICE] was the female and [SON'S VOICE] was the male. There's a great big monologue about how there are 2 types of people in the world: nature vs. grace. It's all very existential and "deep".

While I enjoyed none of this part, at least it was something resembling a movie. Then it all just went to hell.

The next part skips ahead in time to Sean Penn's character, who is one of the sons we saw in the first part. You know how I know this? Because I read the synopsis. The movie does not communicate this to you AT ALL. He says nothing in the whole ten minutes of this segment. We see him wake up, walk around his house, walk around at work, and look distressed. WAIT--he did say something! One of his coworkers looks at him strangely and he mumbles something about "this day". That's all that's said, and I GUESS this is implying that it's the anniversary of his brother's death? I'm sorry, but this is where the movie became unwatchable for me. Nothing is happening! What is going on? I don't know--nobody knows!

*cough cough* I MEAN...I guess I just don't understand the "art".

The next 10 minutes completely convinced me to eject the disc. Seriously, from that point on, it was nature shots. Ten minutes of NATURE SHOTS. Lava emerging from the dome of a volcano. Water rushing over a bed of pebbles. Some swirling nebula in space.

DINOSAURS TROTTING NEAR A BABBLING BROOK.

What. The. Hell. Is. This. <--- (that's what I said)

I'm sorry, but cool graphics alone aren't gonna cut it. Sue me, but when I walk into a movie, I expect established characters, DIALOGUE, and a plot that makes sense. It's not asking for much, really. I'm not even asking it be done well! The Tree of Life attempts to do none of these things because it's "art", and like...if you don't like it, you just don't get it, okay?

If you had a different experience with this movie, go ahead and share it with me, although it's hard for me to believe that this movie is watchable without lots and lots of drugs. For me, I have to agree with a reviewer who said on Amazon that this movie was, quote: "A reinvention of the screensaver". That just sums it up perfectly.