GodZZzzzzilla

I've stated before on this blog that I'm only going to write a review for something if I feel passionately about it. Usually, I only post on here if I think a movie/show was awesome or horrifyingly godawful.

But my forthcoming review of Godzilla (2014) is going to be an exception to that rule. Why? Because I felt so strongly about NOT feeling strongly about ANYTHING that was happening in the film.

Have I ever watched a film so passively? Have I ever been so disinterested in a movie before this one? It's funny when you think about the subject matter of the movie...it's pretty hard to make a film about giant monsters destroying cities that's more boring than an informational video about fire safety.

I guess I should say SPOILERS at this point, because I am now going to bitch about every little thing in this film that bothered me.

Alright. So we start with Bryan Cranston, the main reason I felt like paying the price of admission. I know I'm not alone in this--people LOVE this man. Anyone who's watched Breaking Bad knows that Cranston deserves all the hype in the world. He's a top-notch actor, to put it lightly. Anyway, so we start with Bryan Cranston, an engineer in Japan. I won't go into the specifics of his position because I really didn't get it. A lot of scientific mumbo-jumbo. But that's okay! I don't need to understand everything, and Cranston's character is informing me that something is wrong. The facility he works in starts rumbling, and we find out that his wife (!!) is trapped in a hallway that's being flooded with deadly radiation. She dies, and Cranston is crushed. :'(

Then we skip ahead fifteen years, and...we're focusing on his son now. I've seen this actor, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, before. I didn't really care for the movie Kick Ass, but if there was anything good about it, it was Taylor-Johnson's performance in the lead role. So I'm excited!

Uhh, not so fast. My theory is that Taylor-Johnson is much MUCH better at playing the nerdy, outcast roles, because he really bombs in this movie as the straight, tough-guy, humorless lead. I mean, he is DULL. I'm not saying this to be mean--like I said, he impressed me in Kick Ass. Some actors are just better suited to play certain roles. For instance, I love Jay Baruchel, but could you see that lanky Canadian playing a crime boss or a grizzled Army vet? Taylor-Johnson does not work in this role, and its something that really hinders the success of this movie.

So anyway, now we're spending time with the son character, who has a wife and a small kid. He's just gotten back from the war. He receives a phone call that same night that his dad (Cranston) is in jail in Japan. He was caught trying to break into the quarantined area where his wife died, apparently spouting crackpot theories that it wasn't an earthquake that caused his facility to be destroyed...it was something else (dum dum duuuuuuum)!

I don't want to get into the specifics, so I'm going to very briefly go through the rest of the movie's events. Taylor-Johnson goes with his dad to the facility. They start uncovering clues about what really happened fifteen years ago. I am still intrigued at this point, and 95% of that is due to Cranston's character and his performance. Then, five minutes later, Cranston is killed by a giant spider-looking monster.

....

...

You mean I'm stuck with the son for the rest of the movie?

This is when I pretty much disengaged from the movie's events. I didn't do it purposely...I really wanted to like this film, but I could NOT connect to any of the remaining characters or give a rat's ass about what happened to them. The wife character, while perfectly performed by Elizabeth Olsen, is uninteresting. We have no sense of her character quirks or her personality. She is the 'wife' character. Ken Watanabe is the 'scientist' character, only there to reveal important plot developments through dialogue.

Taylor-Johnson coasts through the movie, coincidentally showing up at every spot that the spider-monsters do. I guess I should say here that Godzilla only appears in maybe the last 45 minutes of the movie...until then, the main plot involves two big spider-things. Not really a complaint from me since I'm not really attached to the Godzilla character or anything, but others were probably bothered by it.

I don't get Taylor-Johnson's motivations.He steps in as the de-facto war vet, dedicated to doing whatever he can to stop the spider-monsters. MAYBE I would buy it if there had been some attempt to make it seem like revenge for poor dead Bryan Cranston, but there's no mention of his character after he's dead. His son moves on from that pretty fast! You would think his main motivation would be to get back to his family, but he constantly gets sidetracked trying to help with the operation to eliminate the spider things. Whatever. By this point I was slouched over in my chair wondering how much longer I had to sit through this dreck.

I'll be fair. Technically, it is a well-made movie. The effects are great, and when Godzilla finally is revealed, he looks awesome. But when it comes to the heart of everything--the characters, their motivations--it falls flat spectacularly. The dialogue isn't bad, per se, but it isn't good or realistic either. The dialogue does nothing to establish characters...it simply moves the story along.

In the end, the spider-things are defeated and our hero (?? I guess ??) is reunited with his wife and son. Aaaaand I couldn't care less. Elizabeth Olsen cries her head off, which is believable, and Taylor-Johnson just sort of looks pleased with everything? Are we supposed to care about these people?

This might make me sound like a rabid fangirl, but WHY was Bryan Cranston's character killed so early in the movie? Until his death, I viewed him as the main protagonist. He had a clear motivation for his actions (understanding his wife's death), and he had the scientific smarts to figure out what was going on with the spider-things and Godzilla. AND, as opposed to other protagonists *eyes swivel to Aaron Taylor-Johnson*, his character was engaging and completely believable. Had Cranston been the movie's lead, I would have liked this film so much more. I would've had a character to care about and connect to. Without him, the movie just plods along, biding time until the inevitable BIG BATTLE in the city! Woohoo!...I guess.

The film is only two hours long, but it feels like it's at least three. By the last twenty minutes, I was actively trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, Godzilla was being too loud.

I'd give this film a solid C-. Technically, its fine, and visually it's quite breathtaking, but there's no meat to this story whatsoever. I'd recommend it on a rental basis only. Watch until Cranston dies, then fast forward to the big monster battle at the end if that sort of thing interests you.

Transitioning from Ten to Eleven

I know every time I update this blog I go on a little schpeil about how it's been forever since I've updated. Then I usually make a crack about how nobody cares since nobody reads this blog. I will do that now!

hey guiz I know it's been awhile, pls forgive me! o wait no one reads this but myself, lolol

ALRIGHT, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I feel like talking about the latest show I'm marathoning on Netflix: Doctor Who. No, not Classic Doctor Who, because that's over forty years of content to watch, and also...I just don't want to, okay? Maybe when I've finished with modern Who I will, but right now I'm way too invested in what's going on to wonder if NuWho is canon, etc., etc.

So, here's how it's been going. I LOVED Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor, and, more importantly, I loved Rose Tyler and Company (Jackie, Mickey, Pete). This was a show that spent time making everyone special. Rose isn't just the damsel in distress--she's a fully realized character. Mickey isn't just the jilted boyfriend...he's a fully realized character. I made a comment to my roommate that it would've been easier to make Micky some kind of jerk so that we'd feel more comfortable with Rose and the Doctor's relationship, but that's exactly why showrunner-at-the-time, Russell T. Davies, didn't do that. It would've been easy and unrealistic. Also, Jackie Tyler is hilarious and sympathetic, not just your stereotypical loud mother.

When Eccleston left and Tennant came in, the show continued to be great. It was hard saying goodbye to the Ninth Doctor, but Davies wisely kept many elements of the story the same. When you lose a Doctor you loved, it's going to be difficult accepting the new one. Instead of just trying to make him forcibly likable, we have Rose representing the viewer...she doesn't trust this new Doctor, and she wants the one she's spent so much time with back. And instead of Rose falling in insta-love with Tennant, it takes a few episodes before she's really and truly used to him; at this point, I was really and truly used to him too (and it doesn't hurt that David Tennant is, um, amazing).

I love that Russell T. Davies KNEW he was asking a lot of viewers to love and trust a new Doctor. And it wasn't the hardest transition in the world because we still had Rose, Jackie, Mickey, and Captain Jack, all of whom are brilliant characters.

When Rose left (insert a picture of me weeping uncontrollably), we had firmly transitioned to the Tenth Doctor. It was hard losing Rose, but again...Davies knew this would be hard. Throughout seasons 3 and 4, there are countless references to Rose Tyler (and, as you know, she comes back in Journey's End and her story line is wrapped up). Martha Jones was yet another three-dimensional, fully-realized character that we rooted for and empathized with.

And, for the crowning achievement during Davies' run, in my opinion: Donna Noble. It's hard as a writer to create a close male/female relationship that has absolutely no sexual tension at all. As the Doctor says in The End of Time, Donna Noble is his BEST FRIEND. And I believe it. It would've been easier, I suppose, to make her like Rose or Martha (not knocking them, just saying they both had the hots for the Doctor), but he believably wrote a female character who loves and trusts a man yet feels no romantic attachment towards him. The saddest Doctor Who moment for me is still Rose's departure in Doomsday, but coming in a close second is Donna losing her memories of the Doctor.

This successfully brings us to The End of Time two-parter, in which David Tennant says goodbye as the Tenth Doctor. It was sad and heartbreaking. To this day, he played the Doctor longer than any other actor, and he is the face that many think of immediately when you say 'Doctor Who'. He was funny and charming and magnificent, but you also don't think of Doctor Who without thinking of his companions--three women who were also funny, charming, and magnificent.

I'm not trying to be a hater. I'm not. But....man, this transition from the Tenth Doctor to the Eleventh is becoming a struggle for me.

Let's examine the reasons why.

Davies knew audiences would be leery of a new Doctor, so he made the other characters leery too. Plus, every other element of the story save for the Ninth Doctor was still there. In comparison, in season 5 of Doctor Who, EVERYTHING is different.

The Doctor, obviously, is different. The TARDIS is different. The theme song is different. The opening credits are different. Every single character is different. The visual look of the show is different. And, instead of acknowledging changes like RTD did, Moffat, the current show runner, just throws it in our face and expects us to accept it. He has new Doctor Matt Smith acting all wacky and silly, as though these mirrored traits of Tennant's Doctor will immediately make us like him. It doesn't. I mean no disrespect to Matt Smith at all, by the way...I think he's a fine actor, and he's doing the best with what he's given. But as the viewer, and as a representative of the human race in general, we are resistant to change. We like the things the way we like them and are used to.

I went into season 5 with the same attitude I went into season 2 with..."meh, I don't want a new Doctor, I like Eccleston/Tennant". RTD successfully made me fall in love with Tennant. I really don't see that happening with Matt Smith.

Everything is just too different for me to adapt to naturally. As far as plot points and story arcs go, I do believe Moffat is a talented writer. But he had no awareness of what he was asking of his viewers. Why not have ONE single character who knew the Tenth Doctor in season 5 (just brainstorming, but here are some possibilities: Willard, Capt. Jack, Mickey, THE DOCTOR HIMSELF feeling strangely/mistrustful of his new transformation)?

Not only are we asked to immediately accept a new Doctor, we're also asked to immediately accept a new companion. The introduction of Amy Pond as a child at first is creative, albeit predictable (who didn't see the reveal that the attractive redhead in the same house was Amy?). But Amy's reaction to the Doctor's return doesn't ring true to me...where is the believable hurt? Sure, she's mad and annoyed, but being abandoned like that must have been devastating for her. I'm only halfway through season 5, but I've seen nearly no vulnerable moments from Amy Pond whatsoever. She's the poor-writer's ideal "strong, sassy female" character. She's hardheaded and opinionated. What Moffat fails to see is that these aren't really likable traits on their own...they're likable if they're there to mask a person's vulnerability, but so far there's no sign of Amy Pond possessing this sort of depth.

I could be wrong--like I said, I'm only halfway through season 5. Maybe Amy becomes a more empathetic character that we can relate to in the same way that we related to Rose, Martha, and Donna. But uh...I doubt it.

Having loved seasons 1-4 of Doctor Who so much, I honestly hope that I can eventually stop missing Tennant and his companions and embrace the Matt Smith era. When I've finished season 7 and am caught up completely, I plan on revisiting this post and commenting on whether or not I ever came around to liking the Moffat era of Doctor Who.

Now that that's all out of my system, anybody else out there have a hard time getting used to the new Doctor Who? Does it get any easier?

House of Cards: Full Season Review

Yeah, I'm a little late on House of Cards, but before I continue on with the review, let me try to explain why:
-only like five people read this blog, so who's getting mad at me?
-Netflix released all 13 episodes at once, so really, the time that it takes to watch them is completely up to the viewer. You don't know--maybe I watched the first episode in February and have been purposely watching two episodes a month? Maybe that's the time it took for me to adequately study the characters and the pacing and LOL WHO AM I KIDDING A MARATHONED THIS LAST WEEK
-I only bother writing things on here that have got me feeling passionately one way or the other, and HoC falls into this category, so here we go.

When Netflix released the first season of House of Cards, I was intrigued, but I never committed to watching the show until the Emmy noms came out and it became clear that it was worth watching. I figured it would be--can you realistically see Kevin Spacey tying himself up to a turd? Plus, with the first two episodes directed by David Fincher (and the rest of the season maintaining the look and tone he created), I knew the show was in good hands. So...what were my thoughts?

Let's do a quick summary just for people who may be reading this with no knowledge of what House of Cards is about. The odds of that are slim, but hey, whatever. Anyway, Kevin Spacey is Frank Underwood, a Democrat Congressman who, in the first episode, is backstabbed by the new President, who promised him a position as Secretary of State but ultimately decides to go with someone else. This is what sets the tone for the season--if the President can use him and toss him out with leisure, why can't he play by the same rules, which are no rules? In politics, what is the point of being honest and trustworthy if it'll only get you trampled on? I'm not suggesting that Frank was a good, moral guy before episode one, but you get the sense that, after the first hour, things have been taken to a new level for him, and he's ready to fully embrace the ruthlessness that it takes to reach his full potential in Washington.

So there we are. I don't want to go any further than that because this is a review, not a summary, and there are so many twists and strangely-handled plot points that I'll probably get confused if I try to recall everything.

I'll say this upfront: House of Cards, technically, is good. It's not a bad show. It just could have been better, and if I can pin its shortcomings on anything, it would be an apparent lack of planning.

In the last episode of the season, Zoe, Jeanine, and Lucas sum up Frank's motives from the beginning as if he had this grand master plan. But, after watching thirteen hours of Frank's actions, I don't get the sense that everything that happened was meant to happen. I get the sense that the writers never sat down and planned the plot points of this show. It kind of reminds me of Lost in a way--yes, that show dealt with mysticism and smoke monsters, but it also suffered from lack of planning, and the writers, just the writers on HoC, thought they were so smart that they could write their way out of any situation. For both shows, it's just not so.

At the end, we are supposed to be thinking, "Oh my, Frank is such an evil genius, Zoe and Jeanine just said that Russo's demise was Frank's plan all along, and it has to be true because they literally just said it in a bit of clunky dialogue." House of Cards never fully committed to portraying Frank as a character always in charge, though. If it had, I would buy that, but there are several big moments in the season where he messes up. He's a driven character, but he's fallible. Not everything he plans pans out. Am I supposed to believe that evil genius Frank, who could plan such an elaborate scheme, can't handle a CNN debate with a union guy who's not even that bright? When this happened in the show, I appreciated it because it was presenting us with the fact that Frank wasn't as perfect as he appeared to be (and as he thought he was). He can look like an idiot on television. By the end, though, this doesn't fit, because he's supposed to be a perfect political genius again. The writers need to chose one or the other--is he a brilliant guy who occasionally messes up, or is he a perfect genius who always gets what he wants?

My main issue with HoC is the Peter Russo storyline. After the failure of the Watershed bill and Russo's tumble off the wagon, we are hit over the head with the fact that THIS WAS MEANT TO HAPPEN! Frank wanted it to! But, when it's actually happening--and before it happens--we are given no signs at all that it was planned. For a show with a main character who breaks the fourth wall to tell us such obvious things as, "Everything depends on these next few moments" when speaking to Vasquez about Matthews leaving the vice presidency, why would he keep such a secret from us? At least give us one of your lingering looks, Spacey. I'm not saying the fourth wall format means we must know everything that's going to happen--that would mean there's no tension--but there's no sense whatsoever that everything happened according to plan. Frank is legitimately galled when the bill doesn't pass. We're told later, after the fact ("tell, not show!" apparently), that Frank wanted the bill to pass so that the timing of Russo's downfall would be at the last second, requiring a big name like Matthews to run to hold the seat for the democrats. During the actual events, though, the audience has no hint of this. We are led to believe that Frank wants Russo to succeed, most likely because he'll have a man with considerable power under his thumb.

But in the grand scheme of things, Frank's plan was for Russo to implode, so that Matthews would run, and the VP spot would be his for the taking. It was his plan all along. You know, because they told us after the fact.

The murder of Russo by Frank rings so false to me that it almost ruins the season. I get the motivations behind it--Russo was a threat because he wanted to come clean and admit everything. Still, it doesn't seem like something Frank would do, even for the small fact that he doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do the dirty work. Why wouldn't Stamper, the guy who usually does the dirty work, do this act for him? Frank is too powerful to be wiping his prints off at a murder scene. Plus, someone on some other message board pointed out this little gem--Frank left Russo in the PASSENGER'S SEAT! That would seem odd, right? What's the purpose of shifting over from the driver's side to the passenger's seat if you're killing yourself? Basically what I'm saying is that murdering someone and leaving no evidence behind is a difficult and risky thing to pull off, and the Frank established in episodes one through ten would delegate that kind of thing to Stamper.

The reason Frank kills Russo is for pure shock alone. It wouldn't be as emotionally shocking if Stamper were to do it because Stamper isn't Frank, the main character of the show. This ushers in the show's other weakness: nearly everyone but Frank is sorely underdeveloped. The only exception was Peter Russo, who quickly became my favorite for his layered, oftentimes painful storyline, but, as the men on Duck Dynasty like to say when someone exits a scene, "he gone". Claire and Zoe are supposed to be very layered and complex, I'm sure, but they're just not. Claire is there to help Frank because she, like him, is ambitious and ruthless and doesn't care much about collateral damage. I was intrigued by her decision to go against him in the education bill storyline, but she didn't stick to it, and in the end she's the same woman we met in episode one. Frank's unquestioning ally.

I'm assuming Zoe Barnes is supposed to be likeable, but I despise her. For most of the season she's an opportunist with no empathy who simply wants to get ahead, but in episodes 12 and 13 she does a 180 and suddenly decides to do some real journalism as if she really cares about getting the truth out to the public. Just like Frank offing Russo, I don't buy it. I see no reason for Lucas to be drawn to her either...she's a straightforward, unfunny, cold woman who we're supposed to think is talented but who is only where she's at because she has participated in a corrupt sexual relationship with a bad man.

The rest of the characters--Christina, Stamper, Vasquez, the president--are throwaways, because we only know them in their relationship to Frank or, in the case of Christina, to Russo. I'm sure the writers think otherwise and that they've assembled this great cast of fully-fleshed characters, but they're wrong. They've placed so much focus on Frank that they've gone astray with everyone else, and really, Frank is so one-minded and driven that the audience has no tangible understanding of him either. He's not someone we understand or really relate to. He wants power. That's it.

House of Cards deserves the nominations for acting and the win for Fincher's directing, but I'm glad it didn't win over Breaking Bad for Outstanding Drama Series. Breaking Bad is a show with characters we fully understand and empathize with. Walter White, while brilliant, is fallible, and the plots are true to life. Walt may have plans, but they don't always happen the way he wants them to, and when life intervenes he has to think quickly and adapt. Frank Underwood gets everything he wants, and everything goes according to plan because he's the main character and the show is about him. He's an evil genius, even when he's not, and his elaborate plan involving Russo had been planned from the start because that's what the gang of ragtag bloggers tell us in the end.

The first season of House of Cards gets a B- from me for those reasons. If I could sum it up in one sentence, I'd say this--House of Cards has a problem with telling, not showing.

A Buffy Blog Because I'm All Current and Stuff (part 1)

Well hello!

That's right. I'm not dead, folks.

Before I get MILLIONS of comments asking me where I've been (seriously guys, I know I'm popular, but come on now!), let me explain.  I just recently moved. I work a lot more. Also, I became completely lethargic and stopped caring so much about the internet and movies. Would you believe I didn't watch the Oscars this year.  I know! Blasphemy!

 I realize now I should've began blogging the moment I decided to re-watch all the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I didn't.  It didn't even cross my mind.  I know, it's crazy.  I should've realized that in the year 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer blogs are in HIGH demand.  I regret not jumping in on this sooner. #hashtagsarcasm

But really, regardless of what things are current and popular at the moment, this is my damn blog, and not that many people follow it, so I can actually blog about whatever I want.  I would've loved to blog about Buffy seasons 1-4, but I didn't, okay?  Since there's no way I'm watching all that again anytime soon, I'll sum it up for you: Buffy slays, Angel broods, Xander's cute, Willow's overrated but all the fans love her, Angel and Buffy sex, Angel loses soul, Angel bad, Angel go away, wah wah wah, Mayor is evil, Faith slays too, Faith and Mayor team up, Mayor dead, Riley sucks, Spike is hot, evil humanoid demon cyborg.

On to season 5, which I believe to be the best season of Buffy.  This perspective did not come to me until I began watching season 6, which is a highly problematic and flawed season of television.  Mostly I want to blog about season 6, but I haven't finished re-watching yet, and I feel like I need to do that before I give you my final thoughts. 

Anyway, season 5.  Many fans had problems with the introduction of Dawn, Buffy's (fake) sister, but I think it was carried out well.  As you know, Dawn wasn't really Buffy's sister--she was The Key, a mystical ball of energy that could unleash hell dimensions hidden inside a teenager's body and sent to the Slayer for protection.  Simple stuff.  Yes, I know Dawn can be annoying.  But would it have been better if Dawn *wasn't* annoying?  15 year-olds are annoying.  As for Michelle Trachtenberg, she did a fine job, and in the end, liking Dawn isn't really important.  What's important is that the viewer understands how important Dawn is to Buffy.  It doesn't matter that Buffy knows Dawn is fake--she still loves her.

Glory is also the show's best villain...well okay, a few notches below Angelus.  But only a few.  She's an actual match for Buffy, unlike Adam or the Mayor, really, and she's pretty funny. 

Plus we've got all this sexual tension erupting between Spike and Buffy.  For most of the season, Spike's obsessive feelings toward Buffy are unrequited.  In the end, though, after proving to the Scoobies that he's on their side by not revealing to Glory that Dawn is The Key, Buffy respects Spike and even (squee!) KISSES HIM! 

The finale is perfection, and I believe 'The Gift' is the best episode in Buffy's run.  Even better than 'Once More With Feeling', which--while good--is overrated.  The season ends perfectly and tragically.  Glory is defeated, but The Key has been activated, and the world's about to end.  Instead of sending Dawn to her doom to close the portal, Buffy jumps in as the ultimate sacrifice.  She dies.  Death was her gift, y'all.

Yes, her death is sad, but things have been resolved between the characters.  Spike had earned Buffy's respect, and before she died he knew he'd moved up in her eyes.  Anya and Xander survived what was almost the Apocalypse (again) and they're gonna get married!  Tara got her brain back.  Dawn...well, Dawn's life sucks, but it would be fun being raised by the Scooby Gang. 

Sometimes good endings are sad.  If 'The Gift' was the last episode of Buffy, it would've been sad, but it would've been good.  Yes, the main character died, but it closed the story.  All slayers die young.  Buffy died saving the world.  The end.  Curtains close.  Tragic and beautiful and oh, the sads.

But it wasn't to be the end.  Buffy season 6, while not a complete failure, shows the dangers of not being able to walk away from something.  I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode where George decides that he has to make his exit while he's still 'on top', for example, walking abruptly out of the room after making a funny joke.  I'm thought also of a line, told in a different context, in the season 6 episode 'Once More With Feeling': when you bow, you leave the crowd.

I'll be back next week with my wrap-up of Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 6, and how its existence tainted the run of one of television's best shows.

It's Summertime and You Hate Yourself

It's almost summertime and you hate yourself. What should you do?

Well it looks like Hollywood has you guys in mind.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: Rock of Ages.

Who doesn't want to see a bloated Alec Baldwin phoning it in? Also it's funny because, like, guys in 80's bands looked like chicks (long hair, lots of make up...if you don't get it I understand, it's a complicated joke). Don't forget Russell Brand, who taught us in last year's "Hop" that he can bring the PAIN at the movie theater. Seriously, if you fucking hate yourself, this is how you want to kick off your summer.

(And if this isn't enough to convince you, I don't know what will).

WHAT ELSE: Shitty Adam Sandler film No. 2039029329483

Normally I would say avoid things with Andy Samberg because he's one of these "funny, rising star" types, but Hollywood strapped human turd Adam Sandler to this project, so yeah, that ship is sinking. Good news for us! Last year's "Jack and Jill" had me on suicide watch for weeks, so I expect nothing less from whatever the hell this movie's called.

WHAT TO AVOID FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH: Battleship.

I know I know, this looks like the perfect movie -- stupid explosions, stupid dialogue, Rihanna saying "boom", but please, DON'T SEE THIS! I've been vomiting uncontrollably ever since I saw it a few days ago, and it doesn't look like it's letting up. The idea is perfect...take a board game about sinking ships and turn it into a blockbuster about sea Transformers from the moon and shit, but somewhere along the line this film became TOO shitty. It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation for us people that like to punish ourselves with bad movies....sometimes you just have to stop yourself before it's too late.

WHAT I'M NOT SURE IS COMING OUT BUT PROBABLY IS SO LET'S JUST ADD IT TO THE LIST: Another Madea movie.

WHAT YOU SHOULD SEE IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE ONE MOVIE THIS SUMMER: Twilight 5

I hate myself, and these Twilight movies have been delivering for like 5 years now. Before I saw the first Twilight movie I used to drink and put myself in dangerous situations to bring my own pain to the surface and finally feel alive in my shame, but now that's all changed. Thank you Kristen Stewart. You rock!

Mad Men - "Signal 30"

"I have nothing, Don."



On the surface, this is quite possibly the most asshole-y thing Pete Campbell has ever said. He has a charming, beautiful, loving wife who even the hard-to-win-over Don likes, an adorable baby that instantly wins the adoration of both the Drapers and the Cosgroves, and a spacious house in the country that any well-off family would be proud to live in. But Pete Campbell has nothing...at least nothing that he really wants.

From the start of Mad Men, Pete Cambpell has been set on making a name for himself, and--essentially--becoming Don Draper. And now, six years later, it seems as though he's accomplished this in a lot of ways. He's successful at his job, he's married with a kid, he has people working under him, and he cheats on his wife. But Pete Cambpell can never be Don Draper because Don Draper never set out to please anyone. Pete Campbell's transformation into Don Draper Lite has been for the sole purpose of pleasing everyone, and now that's he's reached the pinnacle of what "success" should look like, he's discovered that it's not what he really wanted at all.

Although the central character of Mad Men is certainly Don Draper, Pete Campbell has had an equally fascinating story over the course of the show. His discoveries in "Signal 30" came quite stealthily when you think about it. When we first meet newlywed Pete Campbell on the show, it's clear that he's not in love with his new wife Trudy (although she is an extremely likable woman), and although it seems like he's grown fond of her as the seasons have passed, I think it'd be very easy to argue that Pete Cambpell has never really loved his wife. When the baby plot is introduced, it's clear that Trudy's the one who wants a child, and if I recall correctly the words "that's what married couples do" are even used. When they make the move out of the city, it's VERY clear that Pete would rather stay in the city...but again, successful couples aren't supposed to live in the city, so out he goes. Now that he has amassed all this wealth and success and should be content with having everything, he claims to have nothing. No matter how much you love to hate smarmy Pete and his weaselly ways...it's hard not to feel bad for the guy--and it's going to be hard to wait and see what the hell Matt Weiner and co. have in store for this character.

I predict, much in the fashion of the Don Draper he's wanted so desperately to become, he's going to crash and burn.

Other thoughts:
-it's nice to see than Ken Cosgrove's still writing, and, in the sign of a true writer, won't ever stop despite being told to by an authority. I had a feeling that Ken's mealy-mouthed confessions that he was doing it mostly for Cynthia were untrue, and in the episode's closing I was glad to see my theory proven.

-Lane and Joan? Not so much, but I love the respect those two have for each other. Joan would've been completely justified leaving the room or even smacking him across the face after that unwanted smooch, but she took the kiss for what it was (the finally victory lap for a guy who rarely wins at anything) and handled it with much class. Bravo, Joan.

-another sign that Pete is Don Draper Lite? Don Draper could've totally scored with that high school girl if he wanted to. Or, at least the Don Draper of the first few seasons.

What did you guys think? Any predictions for how the season might end for Pete Campbell?

Top 15 Films of 2011

Finally.

Yes, people. I made it through about one fourth of the jillion films that came out in 2011--and I feel like one fourth of a jillion is enough to scrounge a top 15 out of. I didn't do this last year, but before we get on with the list, I want to say a few things about 2011 as a whole.

By the fact that I upped my number from 10 to 15, it's fair to say that a high volume of good movies came out last year. But, while this may be true, the number of GREAT films released in 2011 was surprisingly low. All of the films on this list are good, but I'd argue that only one or two were truly great. For clarification, a great film is one that stays with me. I enjoy it long after seeing it and entertain the idea of watching it many, many more times in the future. 2011, while full of good movies, contained very few that I'd be interested in watching again.

Now, with that downer out of the way, here we go: my top 15 films of 2011!

15. ANOTHER EARTH
A film that explores the devastating consequences that just one mistake can make in someone's life. After Rhoda (newcomer Brit Marling) accidentally kills a mother and child while driving drunk, she tries her best to improve the crumbling life of the man most affected by that accident--the father. Throw in a subplot about the discovery of a planet identical to Earth floating in space, and you have one of the most original and effective films of 2011.

14. BRIDESMAIDS
This film about a woman who implodes after her best friend gets engaged received a lot of attention in 2011--and rightfully so. It's hilarious and, surprisingly, full of heart. While I think there are definite highs and lows to Bridesmaids (a very slow start...doesn't get hilarious until Melissa McCarthy shows up), the relationship between Kristen Wiig's character and Chris O'Dowd in this is so adorable it hurts (in a good way). So much attention was paid to the gags and the pooping in the sink that I think a lot of people missed that.

13. A DANGEROUS METHOD
An intense, sexy, and oftentimes disturbing look at the psychological world during the rise of legends Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. The acting from all the leads (Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortensen, and Keira Knightly) leave nothing to be desired, and although the ending loses a bit of the momentum and fizzles out, it's still one of the most interesting and intense films of 2011.

12. THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
I had high expectations for this film, and as someone who's read the novel by Steig Larsson, I have to say--Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo perfectly captures the tone of the original work. Unfortunately, much like the novel, the plotting is inconsistent. I chose not to blame the film, though, which beautifully executes the big moments in a way that left me completely satisfied. And the acting...just wow. Rooney Mara is definitely here to stay. Her potrayal of the damaged Lisbeth Salander paired with Fincher's distinctive style as a director gave us the most compelling slow-burn thriller of the year.

11. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PT. 2
A satisfying end to a mostly bumpy series of 8 films. While I have my personal objections to how faithful this movie was to the book (I am a nerd, after all), as a film it was an acheivement all around. It's one of the most action-packed, heart-wrenching movies of 2011...silly epilogue aside.

10. MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
Woody Allen's biggest hit in years that embraces the whimsy and beauty of Paris. I knew nothing about the plot going into this--and honestly, I think that's the best way to enter this film. It takes you places you don't expect to go, and for lovers of perfect writing, English Lit, and beautiful sets, Midnight in Paris is one you don't want to miss. As opposed to the several psychological thrillers included on this list, if you're looking for a lighthearted movie that will just make you feel good, I'd point you to this one.

9. SUPER 8
A big-budget action film that doesn't skimp out on heart or characterization for the sake of explosions. Super 8 was dismissed by a lot of critics as just another alien blockbuster, but at the center of this film is a story about young love, friendship, family, and J.J. Abram's adoration of filmmaking.

8. WAR HORSE
A lot of people have accused this film of over-sentimentality and falling into melodramatic cliches we've seen over and over again. And you know what? They're right. At the same time, if a formula works, it works, and the formula definitely worked for War Horse. I knew as a viewer that I was being manipulated by the dramatic score and the emotional monologues, but I honestly didn't care much. I loved that horse, dammit, and that's why this earns a spot in my top 15 films of 2011. Also, if you're not interested in the story, PLEASE watch this for the beautiful visuals. The last scene of this film is stunning.

7. DRIVE
Drive was 2011's sleekest and just coolest film of the year. From the beautiful look of the film, the minimal dialogue, the masterclass acting (Gosling, Brooks, and the oft overlooked performance by Bryan Cranston), the realistic violence, and the awesome soundtrack, Drive delivered on almost every level.

6. THE HELP
I've noticed that The Help is a film generally loved by the average viewer and criticized by your average film buff. I've seen this film criticized for its cliches and emotional manipulation (much like War Horse), but you know what? Just like War Horse, it works, so who cares? Yes, The Help is uplifting, and it's not unlike a few stories of the same nature that've already been told before, but, manipulated or not, I left this film teary-eyed and deeply invested in all of the characters. It's also a visually beautiful film with perfect acting across the board, specifically from Octavia Spencer and Viola Davis, who might both walk away with a golden statue later this month.

5. TAKE SHELTER
This film puts you in the head of its lead, played to perfection by Michael Shannon, and presents you with a question you will struggle to answer throughout the whole movie: is this man crazy or not? Curtis (Shannon, who deserved at least a Best Actor nod), keeps having violent dreams about an approaching storm. He hears and sees things that no one else can see. Frightened by this, he begins obsessively working on a tornado shelter for his family. Should you root for him or not? Should he continue funneling his struggling family's money into this shelter, or should he just declare himself cuckoobananacrazy and ship himself off to a clinic? We don't know, and that's what makes Take Shelter so fascinating.

4. X MEN: FIRST CLASS
Roll your eyes all you want: a superhero movie was one of the best films of 2011. With fully-realized characters and able acting from the whole cast (notably Fassbender, who blew me away with his portrayal of the personally divided Magneto), X Men: First Class is not about special effects or even these characters' abilities. It's about how these individuals, so outcast and so feared by the rest of society, deal with this rejection. Do you embrace your differences, or do you just try your best to fit in with everyone else? These are universal questions that everyone at some point in their lives are faced with, and that's why X Men: First Class is much more than a film about blue hairy dudes and chicks made out of diamonds.

3. BEGINNERS
You will only hear this film mentioned at the Oscars for one thing--Christopher Plummer's performance. While he was amazing and WILL win for his portrayal of a 75 year-old gay man just coming out after 44 years of marriage, there's a lot more to appreciate about Beginners. It's a story about love, death, friendship, and the overwhelming fear Ewan McGregor's character has of those three things. Also, I can't think of a movie that's made me wish I was in a relationship more. I mean, Ewan McGregor and Melanie Laurent in this? TOO CUTE FOR WORDS. Not to mention the dog. Cute overload, guys.

2. ATTACK THE BLOCK
This film flew through my local theater in the summer of 2011, and while I had heard some minimal buzz about it, I figured another alien movie wasn't worth the price of admission. Man, was I wrong. After seeing Attack the Block placed on so many Top 10 and Best of the Year lists, I finally shelled out the money to rent it--and discovered one of the most creative and well-executed films of the year. Like Super 8, Attack the Block elevated itself above the status of 'alien movie'. It has real characters, a handful of amazing young talent, and the best-designed movie creature I've seen in a long time. It also does more with its small-scale sets than the more expansive Super 8 did. For these reasons, Attack the Block edges out Super 8 as the best alien movie of 2011.

1. THE ARTIST
I know I've already gone on and on about how great this film is in a previous review, so I'll try to keep it brief. While the story going on in The Artist isn't very complex or even original (female on the rise, male on the way out, or vice versa), the way it's told makes this a film you will remember. You may hear people claiming that the only reason this film is receiving so much hype is because it's silent and stylized, but basically...you need to slap those people in the face. The stylization and beauty of this film are defintely plusses, but at the end of the day The Artist succeeds because its characters are fully-established and its actors are absolutely commited. It's one of the most touching love stories I've seen in a long time, and it's one I'll come back to long after it presumably wins the big award come Oscar night. It's also the best film of 2011.


HONORABLE MENTIONS:

JANE EYRE
A slow-moving but ultimately fulfilling adaptation of Charlotte Bronte's classic novel. If you aren't interested in period pieces or romance, check this film out for Michael Fassbender's performance--the one that started off his series of great performances in 2011.

MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE
A nerve-grating, intense psychological thriller about a young woman's attempt to reenter normal society after escaping a dangerous cult. It's one of the most uncomfortable films of 2011 to watch, but it's also one of the most compelling. I am honestly shocked neither John Hawkes or Elizabeth Olsen received an Oscar nomination for their roles in this film. For shame!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: GAME OF SHADOWS
A fun, loud, brilliantly-acted action movie starring mega babes Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. An improvement over the first film in the series as well.

CRAZY STUPID LOVE
Unexpectedly funny and heartfelt. Also, I think this is where we might be able to pinpoint the beginning of the OMG SHIRTLESS RYAN GOSLING madness.

THOR
Despite the painfully-forced romance between Thor and Natalie Portman, it was still another solid Marvel film. Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston, might also be the most captivating of all the Marvel villains.

THE DESCENDANTS
While this film is extremely overhyped and has a good chance of winning some awards it doesn't deserve come Oscar night, it's still a good film with a wonderful performance by George Clooney.

MONEYBALL
A smart, funny script and talented actors made a film about baseball interesting to me. It's a miracle.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
The movie that everyone expected to be awful actually turned out to be pretty great, huh? Rise of the Planet of the Apes was this close to landing on my list--it was just barely beat out by everything else. Because of a commitment from all the actors, including the outrageously snubbed Andy Serkis as Caesar, Apes wasn't campy or cheesy at all. It was one of the best films of the summer.

WHAT YOU EXPECTED TO SEE BUT DIDN'T:

THE TREE OF LIFE
Just don't even get me started, okay? Pretentious crap that's being lauded for it's attempt at breaking film boundaries and being grandiose. I'm sorry--an attempt is just an attempt. And The Tree of Life failed.

TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
I wanted to love this movie so much, but despite my efforts, I could not care. At all. The film makes no effort to connect you to its characters or its spy plot. It simply plods along with no regard for the audience whatsoever.

WHAT I MISSED:

MELANCHOLIA, HUGO, SHAME and YOUNG ADULT. All of these films are stuck in that terrible limbo between their theater run and DVD release. I hope to see all of these as soon as humanly possible and will alter my top 15 if necessary.

IN CONCLUSION, my Oscar predictions:
BEST PICTURE: The Artist
BEST ACTOR: Jean Dujardin
BEST ACTRESS: Viola Davis
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Plummer
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Octavia Spencer
BEST DIRECTOR: Martin Scorsese (for Hugo, which I haven't seen)
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Aaron Sorkin and Steven Zaillian (Moneyball)
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)