Well it looks like Hollywood has you guys in mind.
FIRST THINGS FIRST: Rock of Ages.
Who doesn't want to see a bloated Alec Baldwin phoning it in? Also it's funny because, like, guys in 80's bands looked like chicks (long hair, lots of make up...if you don't get it I understand, it's a complicated joke). Don't forget Russell Brand, who taught us in last year's "Hop" that he can bring the PAIN at the movie theater. Seriously, if you fucking hate yourself, this is how you want to kick off your summer.
(And if this isn't enough to convince you, I don't know what will).
WHAT ELSE: Shitty Adam Sandler film No. 2039029329483
Normally I would say avoid things with Andy Samberg because he's one of these "funny, rising star" types, but Hollywood strapped human turd Adam Sandler to this project, so yeah, that ship is sinking. Good news for us! Last year's "Jack and Jill" had me on suicide watch for weeks, so I expect nothing less from whatever the hell this movie's called.
WHAT TO AVOID FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH: Battleship.
I know I know, this looks like the perfect movie -- stupid explosions, stupid dialogue, Rihanna saying "boom", but please, DON'T SEE THIS! I've been vomiting uncontrollably ever since I saw it a few days ago, and it doesn't look like it's letting up. The idea is perfect...take a board game about sinking ships and turn it into a blockbuster about sea Transformers from the moon and shit, but somewhere along the line this film became TOO shitty. It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation for us people that like to punish ourselves with bad movies....sometimes you just have to stop yourself before it's too late.
WHAT I'M NOT SURE IS COMING OUT BUT PROBABLY IS SO LET'S JUST ADD IT TO THE LIST: Another Madea movie.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SEE IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE ONE MOVIE THIS SUMMER: Twilight 5
I hate myself, and these Twilight movies have been delivering for like 5 years now. Before I saw the first Twilight movie I used to drink and put myself in dangerous situations to bring my own pain to the surface and finally feel alive in my shame, but now that's all changed. Thank you Kristen Stewart. You rock!
