First of all, let me say first and foremost that I didn't actually expect this movie to be good, okay? In recent years, most notably with the popularization of famous trainwreck 'The Room', bad movies have gotten a lot of attention. When we watch movies, if we want to have a good experience, we have two choices: we can see something legitimately good, or we can go laugh at something terrible. You can empathize with poor King George the VI and his awful stutter, or you can crack up at the masterclass dialogue in The Room ("avry body betray me i fed up with this wurld!"). Both are fun to do.
When I stupidly shelled out 10 bucks to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, I was expecting the latter. I more or less received that experience when I went to see the first three Twilight movies, so why wouldn't the fourth installment be just as laughably bad? I mean, there had to be gratuitous teen shirtless-ness, awful dialogue, awful acting, putrid melodrama, stupid plot devices, sparkly goodness, etc. etc. etc. Right? (*)
After three consistently bad movies, Breaking Dawn was bad as well--but in a totally different way. Gone were the belly laughs brought about by the 80th monologue about how gorgeous Edward is. Above all, Breaking Dawn is BORING.
I mean, this is a snoozer. I'd rather watch 5 hours of a congressional hearing than this piece of smelly fecal matter ever again. Of course, like I said, it's bad. But it's not fun bad. It's just bad bad.
Where do I start? The movie just plunges into the thing the fangirls have been ooing and awing over for years--OMG THE WEDDING! It's over quicker than Taylor Lautner's career after Twilight. It's over quicker than Justin Beiber's time as a father. Not that I was particularly looking forward to it, but just as a human familiar with plot pacing...come on! And nothing ridiculous happened at all. Just a wedding. With cheesy speeches. No sparkly vamps jumping out of the trees, no burst of sunlight on Beautiful Edward's Granite-like Chest. Just a wedding. Snooze.
Then the honeymoon. I will admit, I lol'd at some of that stuff, but it wasn't nearly as ridiculous as it could've been. The trailer ruined the whole 'omg he broke the bed' thing. Anyway, again, boring. Boring, boring, boring.
One morning after crazy PG-rated vamp sex, Bella makes some chicken, feels weird, and throws up. VERDICTS IN SHE'S PREGNANT. But how?! How can--how can this be?! W...what are we gonna do?!
After this point in the movie, which I'd say was probably the 30-minute mark, almost nothing happened. Let's see. Bella went back to the Cullens and chilled until the baby was ready to pop (which wasn't until the last 15 minutes?). We got to see progressively deathly-looking makeup on her and CGI'd puniness because the monster baby was eating all her food or something. That was such a huge majority of the movie--Kristen Stewart looking worse and Edward telling her to get rid of the baby. But inexplicably, Bella's in love with it. I'm not getting into the pro-choice vs. pro-life thing here, but a character who's been stale and stupid for 3 movies suddenly wants to be a mom more than anything in the world? Even when everyone is telling her it's more than likely going to kill her? And when everyone says it's a monster?
Whatever. Anyway, that discussion might've been appropriate if it accounted for 10-20 minutes. Not over and over again for an hour and a half. Oh yeah, and Taylor Lautner's in the movie too. The wolves want to kill Bella and the baby because they think it'll be a monster and that it'll be a danger or something. This never comes to anything until the end of the movie when Bella's giving birth. An entire movie of build up for a fight that lasts for 3 minutes before being shut down because Jacob IMPRINTED on Bella's child. Don't ask me what imprinting means. I mean, I know what it makes me think of, but that's inappropriate.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that this film is boring. In an effort to suck all the money possible from Twilight fans and stupid sacks like me, they've split the last book into two movies. Also, because Harry Potter did it (even though Harry Potter actually NEEDED two movies). If you plan on seeing Breaking Dawn because you're genuinely into the movies, more power to you I guess, although I don't know why you'd be reading this movie blog. If you plan on seeing Breaking Dawn for yuks, like me, I say pass it up. At least wait until it's on video. Because, above all, this film is BORING. I can not stress this enough.
No more campy dialogue, no more cheesy romance. Just snoozes. If you want a REALLY bad movie, go see Jack and Jill. Or Tower Heist. Or In Time. Or (cont'd)....
*Well, actually all of these things were in there, but not in the campy, fun way that they were before. There's too little story stretched out over too much time, and so much of that time is spent saying the same things over and over. You're too zoned out on boredom to appreciate the occasional hilariously-bad scene.
