I know this one's a little late, but I'll be honest with you. It took me awhile to process this one. There were so many things going on in 'Splice', all of which have disturbed me for life. I mean really, the fact that I made it through the whole movie without projectile vomiting on the guy in front of me is a feat, my friend.
Now, usually I don't like to get spoilery on you guys, but with this one I can't help it. So, if you're interested in seeing Splice...you probably don't want to read this. Although at this point you've already read the title, which in itself is a spoiler, so...whoops (enduring shrug!). This is one that I just can't post a cutesy little summary of. I was horrifed, thus I must express my horror.
Adrien Brody and...his girlfriend (too lazy to Google) are genius scientist who've been experimenting with mixing and SPLICING (oh, I get it!) DNA strands. I was a constant B- student in science, so I'm not going to act like I fully understood what was going on, but I don't think you necessarily have to understand the specifics. Really, they're effing with nature. That's what you need to know.
Behind their benefactors' back, they decide to splice human DNA with several different animal DNA strands. And little fleshy penis baby is born! It's a girl, and they name her Dren, which is Nerd spelled backwards (guffaw guffaw guffaw). She can't talk and expresses herself in creepy shrieks. Brody wants to kill it because it's a hassle to hide the thing, and his girlfriend (unnamed lady actor) is going all psycho possessive mother on it, but...it lives. And it's aging, rapidly.
Eventually, it gets to teenager mode (at this point in the film they've moved Dren out to an abandoned, creepy farmhouse). I guess it's important to point out that Dren looks about 70% human- the only difference is she has velociraptor arms and legs and has retractable flesh wings.
And here's where it gets really...really...effed up, bro. The woman finds little doodles of Adrien Brody's face in Dren's "room" and asks, "You didn' draw any of me?"
And that's when I realized what I was in for and proceeding to shrink down into my seat. Yes. Dren's in love with Adrien Brody. At some point, Dren attacks the woman, and she has to amputate Dren's stinger tail to keep herself safe. Brody walks in on naked, fresh-from-amputation Dren, and...cue the Marvin Gaye.
Yes. Sex. The woman walks in, of course, because this is a movie, and when somebody bangs their mutant daughter, people are gonna find out! She and Brody eventually have a long talk and decide they have to kill Dren. She's out of control! So they drive to the farmhouse and discover...gasp...Dead Dren.
They bury Dren. Not-important secondary character and Brody's brother suddenly drive up. Brody's bro spilled the beans! Not-important secondary character expresses outrage. "I want to see it!" "It's too late, she's dead." Then, mysterious rattling of bushes. Then, SWOOP-ACTION!
Not-important secondary character is dead in the trees. Then Brody's brother is dead, I think in the trees again. Brody and Dren's momma run away, and to make a short story short, here we go: Dren has mutated into A MAN. A MAN I TELL YOU. It's face is scary and manly, it's boobies are gone, and yes, my friends. Dren is a man. Male Dren kills Adrien Brody and rapes its mom with it's stinger dick.
Dis. Gust. Ing.
Then she manages to kill Dren with a rock, post-rape. Final scene of the movie: there's a long, stupid conversation between one of the lady's benefactors and the woman. Then, the woman stands up and...she's pregnant!
Bum bum bum. The end.
Now do you understand? I should get some kind of award for holding my dinner in. At first I was so horrified by 'Splice' that I couldn't give it a fair review, but I think I can now. And honestly, it wasn't a poorly made film. Just because something grosses me out doesn't mean it's bad. The actors are capable, the direction is good (check out director Vincenzo Natali's previous film 'Cube'; it's much better IMO), and, although the story is absolutely filthy, at least it's original.
3/5 stars.
PS: Alright, that was a little unfair. The chick's name is Sarah Polley.
