Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: DUDE.

I grew up as a huge fan of the Harry Potter series, so, first of all- I am probably one of the toughest people to sell the Potter movies to. Because? They've sucked. HARD. The first two movies were good, the third one was 'meh', the fourth one was 'meh', and the fifth and sixth were utter abominations of film. I mean it. Walking out after 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince' to me was a defining experience- that's when I finally said to myself, "Self, you better learn your lesson. Stop expecting these movies to be good. They suck now. Deal with it and try to move on."

So, needless to say, I walked into Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with pretty shitty expectations. I figured, well, the movie's probably gonna suck (and by all means it should've- it had all of the same people working on it as the last two films), so if anything I should just focus on all the hot wizard boiz. But man, was I surprised.

There is a darkness to this film that, for the first time, fits. In OOTP and HBP, David Yates was trying to darken the mood, but...it didn't work. I don't care what's going on in or outside Hogwarts- you CAN'T make Hogwarts a dark and foreboding place. You just can't. It's a flippin' magical castle full of wonder and innocence, and I think that's a big reason why I disliked those movies. Yates went overboard on the darkness theme and, in the end, those moves just felt heartless.

Not the case with Deathly Hallows. Why? Because Hogwarts isn't in play. Hogwarts is a symbol of everything young and magical and happy in the wizarding world, and when you're not in it? Things are really, really bad. There's nothing cutting off Harry and the gang from the real world in this movie. And the real world is dark. Thus, the motif finally fits. When the gang is in Hogwarts, really, there's nothing immediate at hand. Maybe when they leave, yes, but Hogwarts is a safe haven (except for the end of HBP, but I digress). Without that safe haven, there's something around every corner. There's immediate danger facing everyone, always. The film really benefits from that.

When I first heard the news that DH was being split into 2 films, I thought to myself: Why? But, now that I've seen the results of part 1, I understand it completely and I wonder what could've been accomplished by the last two films had they been given more time. DH doesn't suffer from the same stressed-out pacing as OOTP and HBP...it has the luxury of taking its time. So much of what's going on in DH has to do with the characters- mostly our main trio- despairing. The opener of the film shows this perfectly, and by the time the title frame floats up, you feel like there actually is a weight to all this darkness. It's not overblown teen angst anymore. This shit has gotten real.

Daniel Radcliffe, for the first time, blew me away. Finally, for the last film, he's decided to be 100% there. Rupert Grint has always been capable, and in this film he gets to show it off. Now, I still have issues with Emma Watson- Hermione was never supposed to be so pretty and dull- but even I have to admit that has nothing to do with her acting. I'm just not a fan of the portrayal. Of course, we still have the legendary cast of always-dependable supporting actors: Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes, Jason Isaacs, Helena Bonham Carter, etc., etc. So, in the acting department, all was well. Which...I don't think that's ever happened in a Harry Potter film before. There was always some weak link in the younger actors that detracted from the experience. Not the case in this film. Well, other than Bonnie Wright as Ginny, who still sucks, but thankfully we only had to tolerate her for three minutes.

As for things to nitpick at, I think being a huge Harry Potter fan gives me a few. First of all: when Ron destroys the locket? Too much. Naked CGI groping is not a thing I wanted to see, especially when it wasn't necessary. In the book, all Ron saw was his greatest fear- Harry and Hermione together. Kissing. Not having ferocious, CGI sex. Also, some of the camping scenes between just Harry and Hermione were awkward as f*ck. I understand everyone is in despair, but damn. Awkward dancing scene was too much for me to take- if you haven't seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. Also, near the end of the part 1, things started to feel a little rushed. After taking its time with the camping, the film seems to snap out of that section with a breakneck speed, not giving enough time to either a) the incident at Xenophillius Lovegood's house or b) Malfoy Manor. Which are two of the most bad ass, tension-filled events. Especially Malfoy Manor*. To me, that was the turning point in the book, and it seemed like they were in and out of there way too quickly.

* Also, I am obligated to say this: I am obsessed with Tom Felton, and more time at Malfoy Manor would've meant more time with Draco Malfoy, so I may be a TAD biased.

But, all in all, I found Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to be shockingly good. Great, even. And after going into it with such low expectations, I can't tell you how fulfilling it was to walk out of there satisfied. I can't wait for part 2, and after seeing how great part 1 was, I don't know how it could be bad.

Highlights: the Tale of the Three Brothers animation, Godric's Hollow, Malfoy Manor even though it was brief, Ron's return. Ugh. Just such a good movie.

4.5/5 stars

Splice: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Do My Mom

I know this one's a little late, but I'll be honest with you. It took me awhile to process this one. There were so many things going on in 'Splice', all of which have disturbed me for life. I mean really, the fact that I made it through the whole movie without projectile vomiting on the guy in front of me is a feat, my friend.

Now, usually I don't like to get spoilery on you guys, but with this one I can't help it. So, if you're interested in seeing Splice...you probably don't want to read this. Although at this point you've already read the title, which in itself is a spoiler, so...whoops (enduring shrug!). This is one that I just can't post a cutesy little summary of. I was horrifed, thus I must express my horror.

Adrien Brody and...his girlfriend (too lazy to Google) are genius scientist who've been experimenting with mixing and SPLICING (oh, I get it!) DNA strands. I was a constant B- student in science, so I'm not going to act like I fully understood what was going on, but I don't think you necessarily have to understand the specifics. Really, they're effing with nature. That's what you need to know.

Behind their benefactors' back, they decide to splice human DNA with several different animal DNA strands. And little fleshy penis baby is born! It's a girl, and they name her Dren, which is Nerd spelled backwards (guffaw guffaw guffaw). She can't talk and expresses herself in creepy shrieks. Brody wants to kill it because it's a hassle to hide the thing, and his girlfriend (unnamed lady actor) is going all psycho possessive mother on it, but...it lives. And it's aging, rapidly.

Eventually, it gets to teenager mode (at this point in the film they've moved Dren out to an abandoned, creepy farmhouse). I guess it's important to point out that Dren looks about 70% human- the only difference is she has velociraptor arms and legs and has retractable flesh wings.

And here's where it gets really...really...effed up, bro. The woman finds little doodles of Adrien Brody's face in Dren's "room" and asks, "You didn' draw any of me?"

And that's when I realized what I was in for and proceeding to shrink down into my seat. Yes. Dren's in love with Adrien Brody. At some point, Dren attacks the woman, and she has to amputate Dren's stinger tail to keep herself safe. Brody walks in on naked, fresh-from-amputation Dren, and...cue the Marvin Gaye.

Yes. Sex. The woman walks in, of course, because this is a movie, and when somebody bangs their mutant daughter, people are gonna find out! She and Brody eventually have a long talk and decide they have to kill Dren. She's out of control! So they drive to the farmhouse and discover...gasp...Dead Dren.

They bury Dren. Not-important secondary character and Brody's brother suddenly drive up. Brody's bro spilled the beans! Not-important secondary character expresses outrage. "I want to see it!" "It's too late, she's dead." Then, mysterious rattling of bushes. Then, SWOOP-ACTION!

Not-important secondary character is dead in the trees. Then Brody's brother is dead, I think in the trees again. Brody and Dren's momma run away, and to make a short story short, here we go: Dren has mutated into A MAN. A MAN I TELL YOU. It's face is scary and manly, it's boobies are gone, and yes, my friends. Dren is a man. Male Dren kills Adrien Brody and rapes its mom with it's stinger dick.

Dis. Gust. Ing.

Then she manages to kill Dren with a rock, post-rape. Final scene of the movie: there's a long, stupid conversation between one of the lady's benefactors and the woman. Then, the woman stands up and...she's pregnant!

Bum bum bum. The end.

Now do you understand? I should get some kind of award for holding my dinner in. At first I was so horrified by 'Splice' that I couldn't give it a fair review, but I think I can now. And honestly, it wasn't a poorly made film. Just because something grosses me out doesn't mean it's bad. The actors are capable, the direction is good (check out director Vincenzo Natali's previous film 'Cube'; it's much better IMO), and, although the story is absolutely filthy, at least it's original.

3/5 stars.

PS: Alright, that was a little unfair. The chick's name is Sarah Polley.

Here's a Lesson: Don't Hang Out With Pervs, Stupid.

To make things clear, I didn't hate this movie. The title makes it seems like I did, but I really didn't. In all actuality, it was pretty average. Girl has a promising future, girl meets older guy, and...stuff happens (tryin' not to get too spoilery on you guys!). 'An Education' was nominated for Best Picture, and I have to say that I really think the only reason that happened is because of the performances and the way the movie looked, because really, there's nothing spectacular about the story.

So, this chick (Carrie Mulligan) is supposed to be a genius. She's 16 years old, she's at the top of her class, and she talks like she's 40 years old. Along comes moderately handsome older man, Peter Saarsgard. Apparently, Genius doesn't know that a) you shouldn't talk to strangers, and b) any guy interested in a 16 year old who's older than 16's gotta be pretty messed up. I'll let her get away with it I guess because it was the 60's, a.k.a., BMGTCD (Before McGruff the Crime Dog). So how could she have known?

The basic idea is that although Jenny is super smart and can randomly speak French in the middle of a conversation, she has no education when it comes to the real world. It's a premise that's been done before...actually, it's been done a million times before, but the performances make it feel new. Carrie Mulligan is great, Sarsgaard plays his part well, and man, you gotta love Alfred Molina in anything he's in (and yes, my dad did walk by the screen at some point and yell, "Hey, it's Doc Oc!"). I liked the other focus of the movie, too, in which Jenny mused the importance of college (which I have mused myself, my friends).

Really, 'An Education' is good. The only thing I really have a problem with, along with a lot of other viewers, is the need to express, over and over, that Sarsgaard's character (David) is Jewish. He's a Jew! It's irrelevant, yet it's something that's continually brought up. And David's not a good guy. He steals, along with the whole 'dating 16 year olds' thing. And Emma Thompson even gets a whole monologue about why Jenny should stop seeing David, which, for some reason, his Jew-ness is emphasized. "You know, it was the Jews who killed our Lord." Excuse me? Why is this relevant? Of course, Jenny defends David, but the movie doesn't, and it shouldn't- he's a horrible guy. But the movie never defends Jews. It never points out that David sucked because of his character and not because he was Jewish. Which is actually pretty shocking.

3.5/5 stars

LOST: finale review & longings for a spinoff

So I know initially this blog is meant for movie reviewing purposes, but come on. The greatest show of my lifetime is officially over, and I need an outlet. I'll be honest- whenever I stumble across a blog, I scan to see how long it is, so for similar purposes I'll try not to make this novel-length because, well...people will give up on the first paragraph, much like I would! Which would be somewhere around riiiiiight...now. BUT, I'll try to keep it short and sweet! And by 'short' I mean shorter than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

So Lost is over. And it cuts like a knife! But it was a great ride, and it came to a pretty satisfying end, at least for me. I'm even willing to bet that those last 2 and a half hours were the greatest hours of Lost (and maybe even television history). I mean, just...just so much epicness, and I don't say that lightly because I hate when people use that word all the time. Because, not that much stuff is 'epic'. This was. That mid-jump punch, the Charlie/Claire reunion (tears, people...tears), Jack and Kate's goodbye, Ben throughout the whole episode, the church, the end...all just beautiful and literally epic. Never has a show so ambitious been aired on TV, I can say that with confidence.

As for the revelation of what the sideways timeline was...I'm happy with that. And I didn't see it coming at all. I know a lot of people think the fact that it was purgatory is ridiculous, but I'm a fan of it. At first it's sad to know that everyone died, but as Christian says, "Everybody dies eventually." And each character was faced with the option of staying in purgatory or 'moving on' into what I perceive to be heaven. Ben sitting outside of the church was particularly noteworthy to me. He wasn't ready to move on. He wasn't sure if he deserved it. I'm glad the writers did this, because throughout the show, Ben was a gray character. I think by the end we ultimately knew he was good, but he'd done too many bad things to reunite with everyone else in the afterlife, at least at that point. I also talked with a friend, and maybe his reason for staying was Alex. Maybe he was waiting for her revelation so he could 'move on' with her. Everyone else in the church had someone. Maybe Ben can't leave without his daughter. JUST A THOUGHT.

Now. That being said, I have to say, I'm left wanting more. I'm not one of those people who are pissed because we didn't get enough 'answers' (although there are some I wish we did get...what about Walt? Annie? ...other stuff?). I know the writers don't have to show us what happened on the island with Hurley and Ben in charge for hundreds, maybe even thousands, of years. But I want to know! And that brings me to my next topic. Spinoff.

I know Lost ended on top, and if the spinoff I'm about to propose isn't able to be executed with equal care and beauty, than forget it. I don't want this franchise to be pummeled into the ground until it looses its greatness (see: The Office), so again, if it couldn't be amazing, than I don't want it to happen. That being said, I've got some ideas!

-Hurley and Ben, post-Jack death and Ajira departure. How long were they there? I can say that having watched for all these years, some of the scenes between Hurley and Ben were the absolute best. The hot pocket? The Apollo bar scene? Their dynamic together is great, and teaming them up would definitely work. Hurley is the new Jacob, and his new task is to 'help people' as Ben said. It would be interesting to see Hurley slowly come into his new role, and I think Lost fans would watch it. It's not just Hurley and Ben, there's still Rose and Bernard, and that whole gang of Temple people who scattered after Widmore's people bombed the beach. And, as always, new people will come to the island.

-More mythological backstory. I don't think anybody would say that they really understand everything that happened in 'Across the Sea', and there's plenty more to explain about what happened after that, and even before that. I don't think an entire show could be based on this, but it could be flashback fodder. Maybe as Hurley and Ben uncover more secrets of the island, we could get flashbacks about how these things came to be. And maybe MiB's ghost could make an appearance? After all, Hurley sees the dead.

-The Ajira 6. Much like the last one, I don't think it could stand as it's own show, but there's definitely something there. I don't think we'd want to watch Kate and Claire raise Aaron (snoozefest), but what about Richard? Maybe he feels it was a mistake to leave? What could he possibly do with his life off of the island anyway? It's not like he knows anybody. And I know he wasn't one of the Ajira 6, but Walt! I feel as though he was being set up as a possible new-Jacob and then that story line was just thrown away. Why is he special? Was he originally meant to protect the island, or at least assist in its protection?

At this point, I'd be happy with anything, be it an actual spinoff show, a movie, or even novels (or EVEN comics. Yeah, I'm that desperate). I just think that with so many possibilities and so many fans who want more, it'd be a shame to see Lost end right here. Thoughts?

Iron Man 2- Orgasmic, but not explosively so...

Seeing Iron Man (2008) in theaters was one of the greatest film experiences in my life. First of all, I'll be honest. I was not that hyped to see it. Funny how the movies you get dragged to often end up being the best ones? Robert Downey Jr. was glorious, bald Jeff Bridges was glorious ("TONY STARK BUILT THIS IN A CAVE....WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!"), and just everything....everything was glorious. As you can tell, I've been very much looking forward to the sequel, which I finally had the pleasure of seeing today.

Overall, IM2 is great for a lot of the same reasons that made the first installment great. Robert Downey Jr.'s still in it, for starters, and I am a firm believer that any movie with him in it becomes infinitely better merely by his presence. He IS Tony Stark. Robert Downey Jr. has brought to life one of the most complex and believable comic book characters by his portrayal of Tony Stark. So, there's that. The writing is quick and smart, just like in the 1st one. And although I'm not often won over by big explosions, the action in this one...just whoa. Actually, I think the action scenes in the sequel surpass the ones in the original. But I digress.

A few new things added a lot to the film, too, such as the presence of another amazingly special actor, Sam Rockwell. How is it that Jon Favreau is so deeply in-tuned to every man that I'd possibly want in a movie? Sam Rockwell, like RDJ, brings so much to the table, and in all honesty he would've made an amazing Tony Stark as well. He's perfect as Justin Hammer, and the fact that someone as equally charming and talented as Robert Downey Jr. is taking up more of the run-time is such a great thing, because no offense to the other actors in the film, but these 2 are miles ahead of them.

Now, as you can tell by my title, I wasn't completely left bathing in orgasmic afterglow after this film. It wasn't as good as the first, but to be fair I didn't expect it to be. Personally, I thought Rourke was a problem. I think he overacted, and I think his portrayal was cliched. It wasn't enough to make me feel passionately about it, but it irked me.

Another problem I had with this one was the fact that it felt like a setup. Like a giant moving of puzzle pieces to set up future Marvel films. A lot was going on in this film. Almost too much. Pepper and Tony didn't nearly have enough screen time together for me to really care that they were making out, and I wish they did have enough screen-time because that's one of the things that really made the first film perfect- the focus on the characters. So much time was spent setting up other stuff and introducing other characters, it really sometimes felt like a waste. For instance: Tony Stark. He's a character we're invested in. Justin Hammer. He's an interesting, charismatic villain. I'll give Paltrow credit, I think she's very charming and likable as Pepper Potts. Why waste time giving Rourke so much unnecessary screen time? We get it. He's vengeful. He's smart. He wants his bird. Now can we move on please?

Even though I had minor issues with IM2, I can't deny that it was smart and satisfying, just like the film that came before it.

4.5/5 stars

Let the Right One In- The Adventures of VampireGirl and MeekBoy

Watching foreign films makes me feel smart. I hadn't watched one in awhile, and "Let the Right One In" was the just the boost to my movie superiority-ego that I needed. I'll be honest- I had high expectations for this one because I remember the amount of hype it received when it first came out in 2008- and to be completely honest, a foreign movie's gotta be pretty freakin' good for me to even hear about it. You know me, I like my movies American, got-damnit! *crushes a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon*

"Let the Right One In" is a horror movie that's not really a horror movie, if that makes sense. There's scary parts, but you can tell it wasn't made to be a "scary movie". It was made to follow the characters. There's Oskar, the timid Swedish boy with the bad haircut, and Eli, the vamp. The heart of this film is in the relationship these two form throughout the movie, and how they both help each other grow (my personal favorite being Eli's "stop being so lame and meek" advice. I mean really, that kid was MEEK.).

There's flaws here, though, and I'm sure a lot of people would disagree with me on this. I think the director was more concerned about making "Let the Right One In" an art film than making the story dense and fulfilling. He preferred shooting 30 second long stare-scenes to, you know, 30 seconds of explanatory dialogue. And I guess that's really where my one big problem with this film is. No one really explains themselves. They're kept at a distance from us. I'm not saying Oskar and Eli have to be Chatty Cathys, but...how about a little chat here and there? I don't really understand the bond, other than the fact that they had no one else to talk to. And really, is a bond that like special? I don't know...I hover towards "no"....

But that's just my opinion. The last scenes are the best in this one, particularly the pool scene. Come to think of it, I actually preferred the 'horror movie' parts far more than the 'deep, emotionally stirring' parts. Maybe I'm just dead inside. Either way, "Let the Right One In" is an exceptional movie, although it's not without its flaws. There's a lot of stuff that just flew over my head that I didn't realize until a IMDB visit later (*cough* castration? *cough*), but those things aren't necessarily that important to the story.

Let me just put it like this. Whether you think LTROI is perfect or not, there's one thing that's for certain- it's a hell of a lot better than anything Kristin Stewart has been in.

4/5 stars.

The Snark Buff

My name's Leah. I like movies.

For a long time I went the Facebook route and reviewed every movie I watched there. Then it hit me one day.

These people don't care about anything I'm saying...

So I thought, hey, why don't I quit exposing all my real life friends to my movie ramblings and make a blog about it? Then people who actually care about movies can read it and I'll stop getting complaints about filling up peoples' feeds with rants about how disappointed I was with Inglorious Basterds.

So that's what I did! Movie reviews are to come, with my 100% guarantee that they will be both opinion-y and snarky.

-The Snark Buff
AKA Leah (SHH, don't tell anybody)